The Danger of Rushing Into Relationships: When Intensity Pretends to Be Intimacy

In today’s fast-paced culture, relationships have taken on a whole new dynamic. There’s no longer the intentional courtship of one man pursuing the heart of one woman (I know—I’m dating myself). And once again, humanity has swung the pendulum from one extreme to another. In trying to fix what we thought was wrong with the old model, we’ve created a new one with its own set of potentially disastrous issues.

I don’t believe there’s a magical recipe for the perfect relationship, but I do believe we can take the best from both worlds.

The real concern with rushing into a relationship is simple: reliability and safety can’t be proven in a short amount of time. You cannot fast-track trust. You cannot know if someone follows through, handles conflict respectfully, or communicates honestly within a few weeks. You can, however, be easily clouded by love bombing—attention that feels real but is actually a temporary high meant to hook you in and make it harder to set boundaries or walk away.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting to know someone and seeing if they’re the right fit. But dating apps have created this illusion that flirting equals interest, or that a swipe means they chose you above everyone else. No. If someone is a flirt, that’s who they are. It has nothing to do with you. And trust me—they’re swiping the same direction for plenty of others.

So how do you meet someone, get to know them, and actually feel safe moving forward? According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, safety and security must come before love and belonging...so, here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Intensity is not intimacy.

It’s chemistry. And chemistry can happen with almost anyone. When you drive too fast, you miss everything on the side of the road—good and bad. Slow down. Pay attention to the scenery.

2. Flirting doesn’t equal interest.

People flirt for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes it’s just their personality. Flirting itself isn’t the problem—especially if both people are genuinely on the same page and treating it as harmless fun. The danger is when flirting becomes a stand-in for real conversations about what you want, what you feel, or what you actually expect from the connection.

I’ve seen many people convince themselves that they “just want to have fun,” but the cost of that kind of fun can be high. With each shallow connection, they lose a little piece of themselves—confidence, clarity, and sometimes even their self-worth. When your heart wants depth but your behavior stays surface-level, you end up paying with pieces of you that should’ve been protected.

3. Attention is not connection.

Someone giving you attention may be:

• lonely,

• bored,

• exploring options,

• or simply a friendly person who doesn’t realize they’re leading you on.

Attention is cheap. Connection is earned.

4. If someone insists on moving fast, stop and ask why.

Anything worth having takes time. And you are worth time. If either of you are

pushing the pace, it’s usually:

• a chemical high,

• a fear of being alone,

• or love bombing dressed up as “romantic passion.”

None of those lead anywhere healthy.

The Good News

Slowing down lets you enjoy the good things more—and catch red flags faster. Don’t drive so fast that you miss the roadkill they’ve left behind on their path. History always leaves clues.

When you move slower, you have space to reflect. You learn more about yourself. You become more aware of your own needs—needs many trauma survivors have been trained to ignore or dismiss. And let’s be honest: people who love-bomb don’t want you reflecting. They want you reacting.

Slowing down helps you love others as you love yourself—not instead of yourself.

Intimacy requires vulnerability, but being vulnerable with someone who hasn’t proven they’re safe (with actions, not just words) is not loving toward you. Give the other person time to show who they are. Let the relationship earn its way into vulnerability, step by step.

And remember: you’re proving you’re safe too. Slowing down gives you room to show your best qualities—not just your defenses or your fears.

The Heart of It

So slow the pace. Not because you’re scared, but because you’re wise.

Let people show you who they are over time. Let consistency speak louder than chemistry. Let patterns—not promises—tell the truth.

Because real intimacy doesn’t rush you, pressure you, or confuse your nervous system. Real intimacy grows. It’s steady. It’s safe. It shows up on the good days and the hard ones.

And when you move at a healthier pace, something powerful happens: You give yourself room to stay grounded. You give the relationship room to breathe. And you give your heart the time it needs to recognize whether this person is truly safe—or simply intense.

And remember this: there will be time for flirting… when it actually means something real. Flirting is fun when it’s grounded in honesty, safety, and mutual intention—not confusion, pressure, or emotional smoke and mirrors. When the foundation is solid, flirting isn’t a hook or a strategy… it’s joy. It’s connection. It’s two people who’ve earned each other’s trust enjoying the spark they built slowly and intentionally.

Real flirting is better later—because it has weight, it has meaning, and it isn’t pretending to be intimacy. It is intimacy.

Take your time. You’re worth that. And so is the love you’re trying to build.

Remember, You Got This!

-Dr. Jennie