Just Because You’re Hurt Doesn’t Mean You’re Right
Let’s be honest: having our feelings, ego, or even our peace hurt feels awful! Sometimes another person’s words can feel like a knife, and the more you think about what they said, or maybe even didn’t say, the more the pain and anger are refreshed and renewed. It’s like our emotional button keeps getting pushed every time we think about it or replay it in our minds.
But the hard truth is that someone cannot push a button that is not there. Our buttons often come from our childhood experiences and the thinking that arose from those experiences. Now, I don’t know about you, but my childhood thinking may not be the best thinking to depend on. I’m not saying that all childhood thinking and experiences are wrong or bad, only that we should apply some adult critical thinking before allowing them to drive our emotions and actions.
When someone hurts us with their words, or lack thereof, it’s not always about them. Sometimes, it’s about us. I hear people say, “Emotions aren’t right or wrong; they just are.” To be honest, I’m not sure I subscribe to that thinking. I know for sure that I have had emotions that were not valid because they were based on distorted thinking from my own childhood experiences. In those instances, I would say that my emotions were wrong. Maybe I could have thought differently about the person, experience, or event.
Remember, we think, we feel, and then we do. So, if my thinking is causing me to have invalid emotions that might lead me to treat someone a certain way, avoid events, or make other unhealthy choices, maybe, just maybe, I need to change my thinking so I can change my emotions and make better choices.
If I stand on the belief that my emotions are what they are and cannot be wrong, I let myself off the hook for deeper thinking and accountability. Then, it becomes someone else’s responsibility to fix them, or no one can fix them. I am forever at the mercy of my emotions, and so is everyone else. This can make a person emotionally unpredictable. Statements like, “Emotions aren’t right or wrong; they just are,” can create uncompromising thinking that puts growth on pause.
Now, I’m not saying that feelings are never valid. After humbling yourself and holding yourself accountable enough to examine your thinking, you may find that your feelings are perfectly valid and that the relationship or situation requires repair. On the other hand, you may find times when your emotions weren’t valid and didn’t require a response. Not every emotion needs to be given attention. You may discover that you are dealing with childhood triggers that are not tied to the current person or situation. You may also recognize that you are living out a pattern and that more work is required.
But do not rob yourself of the work. It’s worth it! You are worth it!
Remember, you got this!
Dr. Jennie
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