You Can Be Logically Right, But Relationally Wrong
Last week I wrote about not being misled by our feelings. Just because we feel hurt doesn’t mean we are right. This week I want to write about the other side of that same coin, when we feel like we are “right,” but we are relationally wrong.
Oftentimes, logical communicators have a tough time showing compassion for emotions they do not understand or agree with. If they are right, it can feel like a wasted argument or a frustrating battle of emotions that makes no sense. But relationships are more complicated than just the logical perspective of things. Relationships require compassion without always understanding someone’s emotions.
If your goal is to be right, you may find yourself being right alone. If your goal is to have healthy relationships, then it will require you to humble yourself and have compassion and empathy, even when you may not understand or even agree with the emotions being felt by the other person. And let’s be honest, just because you think you are logically right doesn’t mean you are.
1 Corinthians 13:13 says, “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” Love cannot be shown without humility of self. Love is an action and therefore a choice. Remember, we think, we feel, and then we do. When we choose to love a person through feelings we may not understand, that means that our thinking is in the right place. We understand that the relationship is more important than being right, that making this person feel heard, even if we don’t understand, is more important than thinking we are right or our need to be right.
And if you are standing hard and fast on being right, you may want to check your own feelings. The truth is that many of us were made to feel that being wrong meant we would be hurt or belittled. So, what happens when someone’s feelings challenge your thinking? You dig in and fight harder because being wrong is not an option. Maybe it hasn’t been safe for you to be wrong in the past. So ask yourself, is that the situation here? Or can you put aside your need to be right to show someone they matter?
The key point in both last week’s article and this one is accountability. Healthy communication requires us to hold ourselves accountable, not just the other person. Last week, that meant being willing to examine our feelings and recognize that feeling hurt does not automatically make us right. This week, it means being willing to examine our thinking and recognize that even when we believe we are logically right, the way we communicate that “rightness” can still cause relational harm. In both situations, we have to be willing to look inward and ask ourselves what we are bringing into the conversation. Am I reacting from an old wound? Am I more concerned with proving my point than hearing the other person? Am I listening to understand, or am I listening so I can defend myself? Accountability in communication means being willing to examine our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors before we make the entire problem about someone else.
And when you show up for someone in a loving way, you build trust in the relationship. You begin to create a safe space for honesty and disagreement, and where there is safety, there can be love! Love for self and others.
You got this!
-Dr. Jennie
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